Tuesday, 31 January 2012

The Cruelly Ridiculous Death of China Sorrows

Okay. This is not mine. This was someone else's story. He was actually the one who introduced me to Skulduggery Pleasant, bless his soul, but I've been having a bit of trouble trying to get him to stay with it. He's been observing me as I ramble on about what might happen in book seven, and especially what will happen to China, my favourite character besides the obvious, and, just to torture me some more, he's come up with this ludicrous idea that China will get killed by a forest troll, pixies, and poisonous berries. Every time I try to talk to him about anything to do with Skulduggery Pleasant, he somehow manages to get us both arguing about why China will or will not get killed that way, if she gets killed at all. So I decided to write him a tiny little story of his idea of what China's death will be like so he would see how ridiculous it is and give up on the whole argument. I thought I had written it well, until he read through it and decided, no, that's not what he wanted, so he deleted sentences and added statements and replaced adjectives until, finally, he had what he thought would make the story better. It actually just made it even sillier. This was too funny to be abandoned, so I want you to read it. I think you can figure out what text belonged him, and what was my writing.

  China sprinted through the forest, her ravioli hair in her face. She found it annoying so she ripped it off and ate it to save the forest troll the pleasure of the sweet sweet pasta. She stumbled and tripped and landed on her face. *Original Author's Note (Eve): despite the scene in Death Bringer, when it mentions that China was too graceful to even stumble in the woods in high heels, this guy insisted on China tripping over her own feet. Truly, I am sorry for this despicable misleading of China's characteristics*

  They were after her. The pixies and the forest troll. How could she have been so stupid to eat those poisonous berries? How could she have not known? It was all a trap. The forest troll caught up and stomped on her and ate her. She died.

This will never happen, I said. Of course it will, he said. Where do you get this confidence from, you're hardly a fan, I said. Oh, and don't write raven hair, he said. Ravioli is a much better description.
Wouldn't it be so funny if everyone came up with their own crazy description of how China dies? I don't know why I would find it funny if she died, it just seems so crazy. Perfect. I hope this didn't offend you, Derek Landy.
Please tell me what you think of this, I think I can convince him he's wrong. Unless you support the idea...?

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

The Delaying Tactic

Okay, so this is another of my Skulduggery World short stories (that's what I'm calling them now). It's about another character I made up, Mahogany Reen, and personally, she's one of my favourites. I hope you like this one, please comment, please react, and please follow.

 Mahogany Reen looked her enemy in the eye and said, “We meet again... uh... Sorry, I never got your name. It was Sonny something, right?”
The woman glared. “You’re a moron.”
“You flatterer.”
“When I take over the world” the sorcerer said. “You’ll be the first to die. The first to burn.”
“Sorry, sweetie, that’s not going to happen. Many people, much more experienced than you – no offense – have tried to take over the world or even end it, and do you know what happened to them?”
The woman said nothing.
Mahogany leaned in, like it was a secret, mocking. Her voice was no more than a breath. “They died.”
The woman laughed. “You act like I’m the child.”
Mahogany heard a car slowing down then stopping in front in front of the house they were in. “Define ‘child’. I may be eternally young“- she flipped her brown hair – “but I’m not that young. Must be something about my maturity or something, right? Lots of people have been complaining about that.”
“That’s what I hate about you ‘good guys’” the woman said. “You think that no matter how much you mock, and make snarky remarks, everything’s going to work itself out in the end. It’s time to open up your pretty green eyes, little girl. The world is about to change. There will be a time when the worthy will reach their full potential and the weak will perish below them. That time is nearing, girlie. And this time, luck is not on your side.” She sneered.
Mahogany stepped back, emotionally wounded. “You! You foul-minded, cruel-hearted, despicable beast! I have blue eyes!”
The woman glared, but before she could respond further, the door swung open, and Sanctuary agents came storming in before Mahogany had time to get away.
“Miss Reen” one of them said. “So you’ve considered our offer?”
Mahogany kept her scowl to herself. “I’m not joining you and your team, sir. I’m still on that no-violence diet, as you keep calling it...”
The agent laughed. “Ah, yes. When did you stop all the punching again?”
“I never started.”
“Mm. Thank you for delaying this woman. We are grateful, but we are perfectly capable of capturing a criminal without help, thank you very much.”
She nodded in response, and heard the woman behind her being shackled.
The man hesitated, then said, “This is a dangerous world we live in, Miss Reen. Something is coming, and when it arrives, you’re going to have to be ready.

Mahogany said nothing.

Please do something to let me know you liked this one, if indeed you did.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? No, it's a car.

You can only guess where I've been.

The Misadventures of Evelyn Reed

Another character I made up. I did NOT base this person on me. I just love my name and extensions of my name. I love me. Please comment on this.

Chapter 1 – A Willing Companion

  She was determined. She was prepared. She was organised. She was powerful. Well, she wasn’t that powerful. But for someone like Evelyn Reed, you didn’t need power if you had the three Ations. That’s Determination, Preparation and Organisation. And Evelyn had all three. The only thing she didn’t have was a willing companion.

  She’d had many before, all eager to travel the world with her, hunting monsters big and small. But as her adventures turned into disasters, the sorcerers of Australia began to realise what was happening when Evelyn returned home without anyone beside her.

  This time, Evelyn was hunting vampires. Not a very easy feat, she knew, but if she were to wipe out the whole existence of vampires, then no one would be bothered by those evil creatures again, and Evelyn Reed would be a hero.

  But now, since everyone who had heard of her knew much better than to join her in her travels, Evelyn had to be a little cleverer when it came to finding a companion. So when Evelyn arrived at Eyre’s Rock, and saw the man racing around the giant red rock, she knew she had come to the right place.

  She proceeded to wave to the man, and when he came around again and saw her, he ran over, unnaturally quickly. She started to wonder if he was a vampire himself.

  But no, he smiled when he stopped in front of her, and vampires didn’t smile a lot, Evelyn figured.  The man was sunburnt all over, wearing a tank top and shorts, and a rather battered pair of sneakers – no socks. His sandy hair was flattened with sweat, and he looked like he was up to any challenge set before him. Perfect, Evelyn thought.

  “Got any water?” he asked. “I’m parched.”

  She tossed him a water bottle, and watched him as he took a large gulp, then poured the rest over his head. She didn’t speak, she just clawed at her arm; it had been itching for days.

  “Mozzies gettin’ at you, huh?” He laughed when she said nothing. “They try and take my blood, but I’m way too fast for those suckers.”

  Evelyn thought it best to start talking. “You’re a sorcerer, right?”

  The man snorted. “I’m no Sanctuary agent.”

  She paused, then smiled patiently. “But you do have magic, yes? I don’t know anyone who can run that fast. Well, besides vampires, which is what I wanted to talk to you about...?”

  The man shook his head. “Sorry, lady, I don’t do vampires, but I have a little brother, and he really needs to get out these days.” He looked at her, then added, “Don’t worry; he’s almost as fast as me. I’ll be back in a jiffy. Name’s Swift, by the way.”

  Evelyn watched Swift run off until she couldn’t see him anymore, then she sat on the hot ground and waited. A while later, she glanced at her watch, then remembered it was broken, so she applied sunscreen to her burning limbs and waited a little longer. Ants were starting to find their way into the bag she had brought with her. Finally, Swift returned with a boy.

  “Hey, sorry I took so long. Little Jimmy wasn’t too keen on coming back over here.” He grinned.

  “Hello Jimmy” she said, a little doubtfully. If she hadn’t been told, she would never have guessed that the two were related. The boy had neat, dark hair and his skin wasn’t tanned or sunburnt at all. The way he was dressed told Evelyn that he definitely wasn’t an outdoorsy kind of person. He didn’t seem to possess any noteworthy muscles whatsoever. But beggars couldn’t be choosers, Evelyn reminded herself.

  “Hello” was all Jimmy said.

  “I hear you’re a fast runner”

  Jimmy nodded.

  “Do you know who I am?”

  “Should I?”

  Evelyn smiled and shook her head. This was a good sign. “My name is Evelyn Reed. I hunt creatures that threaten the lives of others, sorcerer and mortal. But I can’t find anyone to help me in my adventures, so I came here because I heard there was a powerful sorcerer that could come with me.”

  “You’re probably thinking of Swift” he said, and turned to walk away.

  “Oh, but I’m sure they were talking about you. You look like a powerful sorcerer.”

  Jimmy turned back, and looked at her for a while. “Fine” he said at last. “What are we hunting?”

  Evelyn felt a smile appear on her face. “Vampires.”

Chapter 2 – Operation: Vampire

  Evelyn Reed and Jimmy approached the vampire’s house. It was a house, not a coffin, as she kept reminding him, and yet he was still surprised when they found the place. When Evelyn had met up with Jimmy at the bus stop, he had been carrying stakes, holy water, a crucifix and an unlimited supply of garlic. After an exasperatingly long argument about what a vampire’s weakness really was, Evelyn had emerged triumphant, and all that had been discarded at the bus stop.

  So now two shaky hands held a jug of salt water, most of which had spilled out onto the ground, and Evelyn Reed and Jimmy approached the vampire’s house.

  After a thorough check that no one was around, Evelyn knocked on the door. She had Determination, Preparation and Organisation. The three Ations. Jimmy prepared himself, ready to toss the salt water into the vampire’s open mouth, until he realised that there was nothing left in the jug.

  Evelyn and Jimmy exchanged terrified expressions, and proceeded to run like hell.

  Evelyn Reed and Jimmy approached the vampire’s house, this time carrying guns. More specifically, water guns. They were filled with salt water, and the caps on the guns ensured that Jimmy would not be able to spill it with ease.

  Quickly checking that no one was around, Evelyn knocked on the door. The three Ations, she kept reminding herself. The three Ations.

  The door opened, and the vampire opened his mouth, presumably to eat them, and the pair opened fire. Salt water sprayed everywhere. The vampire spluttered and coughed as water shot down his vampiric throat, but other than that, no reaction. The vampire was not dead. Evelyn and Jimmy holstered their guns, and peered at the vampire expectantly. Nothing. Evelyn realised that Jimmy was no longer beside her.

  What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the vampire roared.

  “Uh” Evelyn said. “You’re a vampire”

  The vampire stared at them, a look of furious disbelief on his face, and Evelyn knew she had made a mistake.

  She chewed her lip.

Chapter 3 – Zombified

  “My sword’s heavy” Jimmy whined.

  “My sword’s perfect” Evelyn said lovingly, admiring her newly acquired blade. They had both agreed whole-heartedly that hunting vampires was far too dangerous, and the fact that what they had faced wasn’t even a vampire made the concept of fighting an actual vampire even scarier. So now they were hunting zombies, and the man – she’d never gotten his name – had assured her that the swords he had sold to her were perfect for killing zombies.

  “What are we going to do?” Jimmy asked, hunched over from the weight of his sword.

  “We’re going to run in and slash them all to pieces” Evelyn answered him.

  “Really? That’s our plan?”

  “The three Ations, that’s our plan.”


  Evelyn didn’t answer him. She strode through the forest, her companion dragging his weapon after her. She could see a warm glow coming from ahead, and she got a little closer before hiding behind a tree. It was almost pitch black, a starless night and a new moon, and Evelyn thought she heard Jimmy stumble into a tree.

  “Ooow” he moaned.

  “Shhh” Evelyn peered at the camp from behind the thick trunk. The campfire was still burning, and she spotted a chunk of meat on the ground. Raw meat. Raw human meat. She heard Jimmy whimper. She shot him a look, though she doubted he would see her through the darkness.

  She heard a twig snap, and a moment later, a zombie lumbered into view. And another one. And another one. Soon seven zombies were staggering around the camp, probably searching for more food. Evelyn guessed they had already cleared this place out, and had come back to see if anyone else was here.

  That was Evelyn and Jimmy.

  Evelyn and Jimmy crept around the camp, then darted behind one of the tents. Well, Evelyn darted. Jimmy sort of fell.

  “On the count of three” Evelyn began quietly.

  “Wait” Jimmy puffed. “Let me get my breath back!”

  But it was too late for that. One of the zombies had already seen them.

  They both scrambled to their feet, and Evelyn pointed. “You take those four, I’ll take these three!”

  Jimmy grabbed her arm, petrified. “What? But then I get more!”

  “Well, there was no way we could split it evenly!”

  “But you gave me all the big ones!”

  “But your sword’s bigger!”

  “But my sword’s heavier!”

  “Just go!”

  Jimmy gave her one more horrified look, then ran at one of the zombies she had assigned for him, heaving the sword upwards, but he hadn’t gotten close enough, and the tip of the sword merely nicked the end of the zombie’s nose. The zombies advanced on him.

  Evelyn saw her three zombies coming at her, so she started spinning around in circles, swinging the sword in a wide arc. When all the spinning proved too dizzying for her, she stopped and examined her work. One of the zombies had been ripped to shreds, and she had opened up another’s eye. The third zombie had its arms cut short at the elbows.

  She looked over at Jimmy, but she could hardly see him in all the chaos. He seemed to be running around the zombies, maybe hoping to create a mighty hurricane with his own speed. He could be so naive.

  The zombie with all the blood coming out of its eye charged at her, but Evelyn just stuck the sword through its brain and smiled smugly. Her movements were becoming more confident.

  She was about to go at her remaining opponent, but before she could even raise her weapon, someone came crashing into her. Her sword dropped out of her grip. She pushed her attacker away from her, snatched up her sword, and spun round to face...


  “Please help me” he cried. “There are too many of them! I can’t –“

  Before he could say any more, two rotting hands grabbed him from behind, and a set of yellow teeth bit into his shoulder. He screamed and lashed out, but he lashed out the wrong way, and kicked Evelyn in the belly. She stumbled back, dropped her sword again, then stumbled forward and snapped her palm in the zombie’s direction. It went shooting back and collided with all the other zombies.

  She dragged Jimmy through the forest, but she could see that he was dying. When they were well away from the camp, Evelyn dropped Jimmy onto the forest floor, and checked for a pulse.

  He was dead.

  She didn’t cry. She didn’t mourn. This had happened countless times before. It was how she had gotten her terrible reputation. She would take her companion on a marvellous adventure, and it would always end with her companion’s somewhat nauseating death. They had all been good people. Stupid people, granted, but still good. Jimmy was no different. Except that Jimmy had survived his first mission. And he’d kind of survived his second...

  Jimmy opened his eyes and blinked. He sat up against a tree, and Evelyn looked at him for a while, and he looked as though he was about to ask why she was looking at him like that, and then a realisation dawned on him. He cringed.

  “No” he whimpered. “Please don’t.”

  “I have to kill you” she said, an impassive air about her. “You’re a zombie. I hunt zombies. It’s what I do.”

  “But you can always hunt something else. Like, I don’t know, Sea Hags. You wouldn’t persist with the whole zombie thing anyway, not after tonight. Just don’t kill me!”

  “I would be doing everyone a favour.”

  “You wouldn’t be doing me a favour!”
“You’re going to eat lots of people if I don’t kill you right here and now.”

  “I’ll be a good zombie, I swear!” He looked at her with wide, green eyes, filled with fear, and Evelyn finally gave in.
  “Fine” was all she said, and with that, she turned around and stalked through the forest.

Again, please comment, or react, or something.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

I Am A Part Of A Lot Of Things. Counting - Three

1. The Tiny Winged Vampire Exterminator Brigade (me being the leader)

2. The Straight Jackets (me being the crazy chef)

3. A Collaborative Effort To Meet The Golden God (me being a contributor)

Um, I'm new to that third one, but it seems like people need more people. To join. So, if you're reading this, and you haven't put your name down to join, and you want to meet the Golden God and your head is buzzing with stories, then please go to http://meetthegoldengod.blogspot.com/ and put your email down so you can join and Phoenix'll help set you up to join.

Speaking of joining things, I kindly ask you all to follow my blog, because, frankly, it's the only way I'll know people are taking an interest in my writing, unless you, like, comment, which is another option. I just want to know I'm not boring people to death. Thank you! And thank you Lynxia, Izz and Miles, who are already following!

Thursday, 12 January 2012


I love complaining. In moderation, of course. Today I am complaining about this blog thing stuffing up. Every time I try and go into Derek Landy's blog, it comes up with a blank page. Not funny. Any other blog is fine, perfect. But Derek's blog isn't being kind to me.

Do you hear that? That is the sound of a Skulduggery Pleasant fan/blog follower crying out for help. Does anyone know how to fix this? Not that anyone will read this, anyway.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Olivine Granite Story

Okay, here's my first story. It's about a sorcerer called Olivine Granite. The story is set at the beginning of the war (we're talking about Skulduggery Pleasant here), and later towards the end of Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless Ones. It features one of the other characters I made up, Voltrix Malicia. It's actually really funny if you've read my entry for her. Hope you like it, I guess.

Olivine Granite watched civilisation crumble around her. She watched fighting, she watched killing, she watched hating, she watched dying.
She didn't like dying. Along with all the others, yes, but mostly dying. She didn't like the nothingness that supposedly followed.
And the war had just begun.
And it was because of this threat that she chose Elemental magic over Adept. She didn't have to die. She didn't have to leave the earth.
So long as she became part of it.
So Olivine Granite watched civilisation crumble around her, and she knelt down to the earth, and she felt herself become part of it, felt the stone slide around her, felt herself drift away.

Olivine opened her eyes. Where was she? The world was so different. She stood up, unsteady on her feet, and wandered. Had the war ended? Was the world a better place now? Who had won? Her stomach lurched at the thought of Mevolent ruling the world with his evil followers, trying to bring their gods to Earth.
Someone scurried up to her. Olivine hoped she was a sorcerer. All she wanted right now was answers.
“They’re here” the woman said, looking like she was going to have a panic attack. “The Faceless Ones. They’re here.” She started to cry.
“What do you mean they’re here? I thought the Faceless Ones and all that was just a crazy religious belief!” Now Olivine was panicking a little.
“Me too, but they’re at Aranmore Farm, and they’re, and they’re...”
“Wait, so Mevolent’s plan worked? Mevolent won?
The sorcerer seemed to calm down a little, and frowned at her. “Uh, Mevolent’s dead. We won the war. Where have you been?”
Olivine didn’t have time for this. “What’s your name?”
“Voltrix Malicia”
“Voltrix, listen to me. Look at me.”
Voltrix looked up at her.
“Voltrix, is the world ending?”
Voltrix only had time to nod before she started crying again.
“Oh, great” Olivine muttered. She knelt down and touched the Earth again.

So there it is. Please comment on my work, I need some feedback. Clickety-click.

First Blog EVER

WELL. I'm a total noob at this... if.....that's how you spell it. Uh... I'm a noob at almost everything. ANYWAY, this is my first blog post, and I would like to treat anyone reading with a live chicken.

 I like to write stories about the characters I made up that were supposed to be in Derek Landy's upcoming short story, but THAT certainly won't be happening. All credit goes to Sparky and the person she based her winning character on. Dammit.

As you can see, I'm being very gracious about this.

No matter; my characters will still come in useful. For example, my first character story is about one Olivine Granite, and featuring another character I made up. Do enjoy, once I post my story, and please read it.